The Unknown

persephone628 @ 2009-06-01T09:09:00

2009-06-01T16:09:58Z

AAHHHH!! A talked abt getting off birth control this weekend.

For him, he prefers me less hormone enhanced...but to me, its like a protection....after that, its only one form of protection.

AAAHHH!!

persephone628 @ 2009-04-15T09:53:00

2009-04-15T16:58:52Z

A went to a "soft skills" training a few weeks ago. He learned skills abt public speaking and networking and he has been trying to implement it in his life. So I volunteered him to speak @ Chapman.

His first dry run was rough. But he practiced some more. Yesterday, he rocked the presentation.

One thing I really, really love abt my fiance is his ability "to-do". He doesnt just read or train, he actually implements everything he does into his life.

Very inspiring. Time to challenge myself too. Push myself some more. Starting my own business after this wedding. Yay!

persephone628 @ 2009-02-25T14:26:00

2009-02-25T22:29:24Z

Last Friday, I had a dream. I dont know what it was about. But I felt so much sadness.
My tears woke me up.

I booked an appointment with accupuncture. Glad I did. The treatment was heavenly and what I needed. 1 hour of just relaxation. Some beautiful herbs that add color to my face and make me feel stronger.

As I danced in the living room on Saturday night, Anil grabbed me for a monster hug and said: It has been way too long since I have seen you dance and chatter. You are going back to accup weekly"

I think this stress pushed me over the edge, made me cave. Need to stop focusing on the "grass is greener method"....with this in mind, shopping for my wedding dress was much, much easier.

So thrilled to have a wedding dress....I woke up this morning with a HUGE smile...no tears...yay!

persephone628 @ 2009-02-19T08:55:00

2009-02-19T16:56:04Z

And in a twist of events, I received an email from my EXboyfriend warning me about my EX friend (Joyce). She is apparently emailing him. Per her email, he has concluded she may be a sociopath and warned me to beware.

WTF???

persephone628 @ 2009-02-17T22:08:00

2009-02-18T06:19:01Z

There was an article this week that intrigued me.

The article suggested that couples fall apart because as couples stay together, they lean towards not fighting...to keeping the peace...to avoid painful moments. And, as they do so, the relationship fizzles. Needs are put to the side. Distance is forged.

I read this article and cringed. This is me!!

I hate conflict. I hate us screaming and yelling. I hate feeling any tension in the home. So, if I have any issue, I will ruminate on it for ages. Evaluate, analyze, consider the possible outcomes, determine possible attack techniques. Then half the time, I just put it under the carpet. But, our relationship is still new, and I am still young, and its never too long before the dust in the carpet streams out....and I start a fight.

How do you know which concerns to share? Which battles to choose?

I think I need to understand myself more. To know what issues make me more fragile or that are issues that I cant let go.

I need to write more. That might help. Step one in the process.

SO true...

2009-02-03T18:37:16Z

As a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don't want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You avoid conflict and strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly-with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together. And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you-someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

Relating to others

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy-building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude or intense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world.

Things to be aware of

* Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
* Your need to please can turn to placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
* When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

persephone628 @ 2009-01-28T09:37:00

2009-01-28T17:42:45Z

Shameful. I ate 22 starbursts yesterday. And a half a cookie.

I need a tattoo on my hands "no bad sugar"

persephone628 @ 2009-01-26T00:25:00

2009-01-26T08:27:28Z

This weekend we lived and played and I loved every second.

He got me drunk and I danced like a crazy woman. We jay-walked and went to eat ghetto Mexican food. We entered a hippy world of fashion in Marina Del Rey. We stopped to watch the waves. We walked a mile just so I could show him a moment of my past.

I needed this time.

I needed to know he could give me this time.

Very happy. Off to sleep.

persephone628 @ 2009-01-16T09:31:00

2009-01-16T17:31:02Z

“We sat side by side in the morning light and looked out at the future together.” - Brian Andreas

persephone628 @ 2009-01-08T10:08:00

2009-01-08T18:26:00Z

So I am tired of whining and being sad. I have luxuriated in being sad and crying myself to sleep and to work and to home. But, I am done. This is not me.

I am making a "Positive" List...as corny as that sounds. And, every time, something saddens me or breaks my heart, I am going to consult the list.

The "list"

1. Call friends that I havent spoken to in ages. Call a friend a day for no reason. Just to chat.
Top of the list: Tina, Divya, Kari, Rox, Durga

2. Bake chocolate chip cookies. Dont eat them. But give them to neighbors and co-workers.

3. Take my vitamins.

4. Schedule a massage.

5. Meditate and do some yoga.

persephone628 @ 2009-01-07T13:23:00

2009-01-07T21:33:26Z

My father is mentally ill. The strain is very tiring. He calls constantly, particuarly between the hours of midnight and 6 am.

He leaves horribly mean messages. He threatens people. He gets pissed if you dont jump and do what he wants at that VERY moment.

On a family level, it has stressed everyone out. No one is quite certain what to do with him. He needs to be hospitalized at this point. But, he is too cunning and manipulative. On a personal level, I am not certain what to do for the wedding. He is a danger to others.

I broke down the other day and cried. I begged him to stop. I begged him to just let go of the past and to try to work on his temper.

I yelled at him for my childhood memories. For nights of terror as he raged against my mom. For making me numb to emotional abuse. For just being an overall-ass of a father. And his answer was simply: "Lachmi, that never happened. I had a loud voice. I never yelled or hit anyone".

And now that my uncles are pissed they are unleashing more stories....of how he physically abused my mom (finally explaining why my mom's family never approved) of various cruel things he has done to so many.

AND, at the same time, I feel for him. He was a good dad (minus the abuse). Since the day I was born, the only thing he spoke about was my wedding. This moment is what he has lived for and, now, I am not sure what to do...

I need to schedule time to see a therapist, so I dont develop more "dad" issues and I can work to build a healthy relationship with Anil.

Right now, not quite sure what to do or say.

persephone628 @ 2009-01-02T15:19:00

2009-01-02T23:34:24Z

The last few days have been amazing. Lots of loving, laughing and SLEEPING!!

Back @ the gym again. Amazing how nice it is to run when your lungs do not have phlegm. Still have a little congestion, but feeling much better. Battling a cold for 1.5 months was not fun.

Got some major girlfriend time this week and it was wonderful. Kassandra, a bottle of wine, and some spicy Indian food worked its magic for both of us.

persephone628 @ 2008-12-26T11:48:00

2008-12-26T19:51:10Z

After the long IM "discussion..aka fight" and the yelling match....we laughed.

I really appreciate that aspect of our relationship, to fight with our hearts and to still know that we want it to work. We may not know how to get where we want, but we both want to be happy.
We really work hard on fighting fairly, on presenting possible solutions.

And, to be honest, Anil should get most of the credit for that. Lots of times, I just want to sit in the corner and cry. He is rather good at discerning the issues...

But one thing I find always fascinating...is the old saying--we are motivated by fear. Anil has seen several of his friends fail in their relationships and marriages. Anil has been hurt so much. My heart breaks sometimes when I get glimpses of the pain he tries to hide.

And from that fear, he seeks to avoid any potential pitfalls that may cause this. For some reason, that understanding comforted me.

In some ways, I think that is what makes fighting valuable. You scream and yell and cry, until you reveal something about your inner soul...some journey that hurt you, scarred you, made you build some armor...and every now and then, you find that friend, who listens, accepts, and places that bandaid on...

You may never heal that hurt, but I think its the most amazing thing in the world to find a relationship where you can bear your soul...and you still feel loved and accepted...for being who you are...

persephone628 @ 2008-12-26T11:05:00

2008-12-26T19:05:48Z

My sister in law dressed up more for Xmas...than our engagement party. Ouch.

persephone628 @ 2008-11-11T09:14:00

2008-11-11T17:14:19Z

Deposit was given. Date is locked. I am thrilled.

A made fun of me for being so excited.

I think reality is hitting me. All the pieces coming together....yay!!

More tears...

2008-10-31T16:03:24Z

My little brother and uncle are coming sunday.....aaahh!! it gets a little more real every second....

persephone628 @ 2008-10-29T08:23:00

2008-10-29T15:23:19Z

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with
your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong

And that you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
with every goodbye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Just one ...

2008-10-28T21:55:38Z

Of the many Reasons I love him so much...

Hello sweetheart ...
Just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I'm thinking about you. I know the next few months will be hectic with wedding planning, but at the end of the day the important thing for us is the fact that we'll be together. The event is our thank you for the people who shaped us into who we are today -- its our gift to them. The people who love us are just happy that we have both found someone special who will take care of us forever ... they are going to pay much more attention to the smiles on our faces and the amazing "glow" we share than whether the venue and the food and the tablecloths and the flowers were "perfect" ... I hope that gives you a calming feeling throughout your body and in your mind as we prepare this gift for the people who are special in our lives.
With love,
A

persephone628 @ 2008-10-16T12:58:00

2008-10-16T20:44:40Z

Wedding planning is crazy.

His sister asked what important details I want...

All, I could think of was Anil. I just want him. Nothing more, nothing less.

Feels strange. I love events and parties, but I cant seem to find the excitement for my wedding.

I just dont care about location, flower petals, invitations.

I want a beautiful lengha. I want to have my fiance dressed in indian garb. I want to walk up and see his eyes. I want to have a nice Indian ceremony. Then, I want to just roll myself into his arms and fly away.

*sigh* I just pray we find a great location soon. Lock that down. Throw in some food. Some musica. And, I am done.

Not going to stress out..not going to stress out...

persephone628 @ 2008-10-16T12:57:00

2008-10-16T19:58:51Z

My fiance stressed out last night about wedding plans.

I laughed, jumped in the air and screamed "About Damn Time".

persephone628 @ 2008-09-18T14:01:00

2008-09-18T22:17:47Z

It almost feels strange to be so content. Life is relaxed & calm.

I am loved completely. I am spoiled.

In a short time, we have really worked on building a strong relationship. It shows. Fights are no longer huge, massive yelling disasters. Some talking. Sharing. Compromise.

Crazy. I just feel like pinching myself all the time.

Cups of chai made for me each morning with little love notes. Dancing with me in a parking lot under the stars when no music is playing. Making me flex my new forearm muscle until he cries from laughter of my newfound strength.

Happiness. Pure happiness.

persephone628 @ 2008-08-14T22:21:00

2008-08-15T05:23:20Z

I want my wedding to be meaningful. Each wedding that I have been involved in makes me cringe.

Brides start with such good intentions then the need to satisfy the various guests, to follow the upteenth cultural customs, the desire to satisfy multiple needs....and AAAAHHHHH!!

I dont want sadness in my eyes before my wedding. I want simplicity. I want something pretty surrounded by a small group...

*sigh*

persephone628 @ 2008-08-07T08:47:00

2008-08-07T15:51:49Z

I have not worked at the library for 2 weeks and its strange.

First week, I indulged in so much tv, just sitting there, vegetating.

This week, besides the illness, has been one of cozy dates, gym classes, career research. Without working 70 hours a week, my life is just so much more happy.

But, I have too much time. I get done at 4:30 and I just wander.

Lately, I have felt this burning desire to be alone. It hits me at random moments. Sometimes, I am in the middle of this huge group or dancing at a club, and I feel..Panic.

I rush to the restroom and just breathe. Trying to let go of that Panic. Try to capture that moment and just be.

persephone628 @ 2008-08-07T08:38:00

2008-08-07T15:47:27Z

Why are we led to believe that 100% is perfect? That unless you attain that 100%, you are worth little.

It is kind of interesting. As I read these various relationship books, the majority point out a person's tendency to aim for 100%. The grass is always greener mentality.

My boyfriend is not 100%. But he is a good 90% of everything I could ever want. I keep analyzing and breaking down that 10%.

Could I live with that 10% he is not giving me?
If so, will I be bitter?
How do you come to terms that, no matter what, your bf cannot give it to you and be okay..not nag, not beg for change...just let it go.

He does that for me. I am messy. He is ODC neat freak. He gives me my own restroom. He doesnt bitch even though his downstairs restroom looks like a war zone. Just shuts the door. I know it drives him insane. Only when guests are coming over, does he politely ask if I would move my stuff so the maid can clean it. But, not once, has he looked at his restroom: counters filled with make-up powder, dirty clothes on the floor, shower filled 20 shampoos, etc...and yelled.

I dont want to be that wife that nags for more. I want to see that 90% he gives me as 100%, because bottom line it is. Bottom line, he loves me, he cares for me, he gives me everything I need.

Mental shift needed.

persephone628 @ 2008-08-07T08:20:00

2008-08-07T15:34:24Z

I wandered the other night. I read Tina's journal entry of wandering Mexico and was inspired. Grabbed my shoes and ran out my door..roaming the streets at night in Long Beach.

Walking alone. In unchartered territories is a sense-high. Maybe I was just overly sensitive to touch, sound, etc...for the sole reason, that I had a suspicion I would be jumped.

It was empowering...just to roam...to be free...to smell the ocean breeze. I am going to start walking at night. I like the sensation.