The · Unknown

A went to a "soft skills" training a few weeks ago. He learned skills abt public speaking and networking and he has been trying to implement it in his life. So I volunteered him to speak @ Chapman.

His first dry run was rough. But he practiced some more. Yesterday, he rocked the presentation.

One thing I really, really love abt my fiance is his ability "to-do". He doesnt just read or train, he actually implements everything he does into his life.

Very inspiring. Time to challenge myself too. Push myself some more. Starting my own business after this wedding. Yay!

Last Friday, I had a dream. I dont know what it was about. But I felt so much sadness.
My tears woke me up.

I booked an appointment with accupuncture. Glad I did. The treatment was heavenly and what I needed. 1 hour of just relaxation. Some beautiful herbs that add color to my face and make me feel stronger.

As I danced in the living room on Saturday night, Anil grabbed me for a monster hug and said: It has been way too long since I have seen you dance and chatter. You are going back to accup weekly"

I think this stress pushed me over the edge, made me cave. Need to stop focusing on the "grass is greener method"....with this in mind, shopping for my wedding dress was much, much easier.

So thrilled to have a wedding dress....I woke up this morning with a HUGE smile...no tears...yay!

And in a twist of events, I received an email from my EXboyfriend warning me about my EX friend (Joyce). She is apparently emailing him. Per her email, he has concluded she may be a sociopath and warned me to beware.

WTF???

There was an article this week that intrigued me.

The article suggested that couples fall apart because as couples stay together, they lean towards not fighting...to keeping the peace...to avoid painful moments. And, as they do so, the relationship fizzles. Needs are put to the side. Distance is forged.

I read this article and cringed. This is me!!

I hate conflict. I hate us screaming and yelling. I hate feeling any tension in the home. So, if I have any issue, I will ruminate on it for ages. Evaluate, analyze, consider the possible outcomes, determine possible attack techniques. Then half the time, I just put it under the carpet. But, our relationship is still new, and I am still young, and its never too long before the dust in the carpet streams out....and I start a fight.

How do you know which concerns to share? Which battles to choose?

I think I need to understand myself more. To know what issues make me more fragile or that are issues that I cant let go.

I need to write more. That might help. Step one in the process.

Shameful. I ate 22 starbursts yesterday. And a half a cookie.

I need a tattoo on my hands "no bad sugar"

This weekend we lived and played and I loved every second.

He got me drunk and I danced like a crazy woman. We jay-walked and went to eat ghetto Mexican food. We entered a hippy world of fashion in Marina Del Rey. We stopped to watch the waves. We walked a mile just so I could show him a moment of my past.

I needed this time.

I needed to know he could give me this time.

Very happy. Off to sleep.

“We sat side by side in the morning light and looked out at the future together.” - Brian Andreas

So I am tired of whining and being sad. I have luxuriated in being sad and crying myself to sleep and to work and to home. But, I am done. This is not me.

I am making a "Positive" List...as corny as that sounds. And, every time, something saddens me or breaks my heart, I am going to consult the list.

The "list"

1. Call friends that I havent spoken to in ages. Call a friend a day for no reason. Just to chat.
Top of the list: Tina, Divya, Kari, Rox, Durga

2. Bake chocolate chip cookies. Dont eat them. But give them to neighbors and co-workers.

3. Take my vitamins.

4. Schedule a massage.

5. Meditate and do some yoga.

My father is mentally ill. The strain is very tiring. He calls constantly, particuarly between the hours of midnight and 6 am.

He leaves horribly mean messages. He threatens people. He gets pissed if you dont jump and do what he wants at that VERY moment.

On a family level, it has stressed everyone out. No one is quite certain what to do with him. He needs to be hospitalized at this point. But, he is too cunning and manipulative. On a personal level, I am not certain what to do for the wedding. He is a danger to others.

I broke down the other day and cried. I begged him to stop. I begged him to just let go of the past and to try to work on his temper.

I yelled at him for my childhood memories. For nights of terror as he raged against my mom. For making me numb to emotional abuse. For just being an overall-ass of a father. And his answer was simply: "Lachmi, that never happened. I had a loud voice. I never yelled or hit anyone".

And now that my uncles are pissed they are unleashing more stories....of how he physically abused my mom (finally explaining why my mom's family never approved) of various cruel things he has done to so many.

AND, at the same time, I feel for him. He was a good dad (minus the abuse). Since the day I was born, the only thing he spoke about was my wedding. This moment is what he has lived for and, now, I am not sure what to do...

I need to schedule time to see a therapist, so I dont develop more "dad" issues and I can work to build a healthy relationship with Anil.

Right now, not quite sure what to do or say.