The · Unknown

For him, he prefers me less hormone enhanced...but to me, its like a protection....after that, its only one form of protection.

AAAHHH!!

His first dry run was rough. But he practiced some more. Yesterday, he rocked the presentation.

One thing I really, really love abt my fiance is his ability "to-do". He doesnt just read or train, he actually implements everything he does into his life.

Very inspiring. Time to challenge myself too. Push myself some more. Starting my own business after this wedding. Yay!

I booked an appointment with accupuncture. Glad I did. The treatment was heavenly and what I needed. 1 hour of just relaxation. Some beautiful herbs that add color to my face and make me feel stronger.

As I danced in the living room on Saturday night, Anil grabbed me for a monster hug and said: It has been way too long since I have seen you dance and chatter. You are going back to accup weekly"

I think this stress pushed me over the edge, made me cave. Need to stop focusing on the "grass is greener method"....with this in mind, shopping for my wedding dress was much, much easier.

So thrilled to have a wedding dress....I woke up this morning with a HUGE smile...no tears...yay!

WTF???

The article suggested that couples fall apart because as couples stay together, they lean towards not fighting...to keeping the peace...to avoid painful moments. And, as they do so, the relationship fizzles. Needs are put to the side. Distance is forged.

I read this article and cringed. This is me!!

I hate conflict. I hate us screaming and yelling. I hate feeling any tension in the home. So, if I have any issue, I will ruminate on it for ages. Evaluate, analyze, consider the possible outcomes, determine possible attack techniques. Then half the time, I just put it under the carpet. But, our relationship is still new, and I am still young, and its never too long before the dust in the carpet streams out....and I start a fight.

How do you know which concerns to share? Which battles to choose?

I think I need to understand myself more. To know what issues make me more fragile or that are issues that I cant let go.

I need to write more. That might help. Step one in the process.

I need a tattoo on my hands "no bad sugar"

He got me drunk and I danced like a crazy woman. We jay-walked and went to eat ghetto Mexican food. We entered a hippy world of fashion in Marina Del Rey. We stopped to watch the waves. We walked a mile just so I could show him a moment of my past.

I needed this time.

I needed to know he could give me this time.

Very happy. Off to sleep.

I am making a "Positive" List...as corny as that sounds. And, every time, something saddens me or breaks my heart, I am going to consult the list.

The "list"

1. Call friends that I havent spoken to in ages. Call a friend a day for no reason. Just to chat.
Top of the list: Tina, Divya, Kari, Rox, Durga

2. Bake chocolate chip cookies. Dont eat them. But give them to neighbors and co-workers.

3. Take my vitamins.

4. Schedule a massage.

5. Meditate and do some yoga.

He leaves horribly mean messages. He threatens people. He gets pissed if you dont jump and do what he wants at that VERY moment.

On a family level, it has stressed everyone out. No one is quite certain what to do with him. He needs to be hospitalized at this point. But, he is too cunning and manipulative. On a personal level, I am not certain what to do for the wedding. He is a danger to others.

I broke down the other day and cried. I begged him to stop. I begged him to just let go of the past and to try to work on his temper.

I yelled at him for my childhood memories. For nights of terror as he raged against my mom. For making me numb to emotional abuse. For just being an overall-ass of a father. And his answer was simply: "Lachmi, that never happened. I had a loud voice. I never yelled or hit anyone".

And now that my uncles are pissed they are unleashing more stories....of how he physically abused my mom (finally explaining why my mom's family never approved) of various cruel things he has done to so many.

AND, at the same time, I feel for him. He was a good dad (minus the abuse). Since the day I was born, the only thing he spoke about was my wedding. This moment is what he has lived for and, now, I am not sure what to do...

I need to schedule time to see a therapist, so I dont develop more "dad" issues and I can work to build a healthy relationship with Anil.

Right now, not quite sure what to do or say.

Back @ the gym again. Amazing how nice it is to run when your lungs do not have phlegm. Still have a little congestion, but feeling much better. Battling a cold for 1.5 months was not fun.

Got some major girlfriend time this week and it was wonderful. Kassandra, a bottle of wine, and some spicy Indian food worked its magic for both of us.

I really appreciate that aspect of our relationship, to fight with our hearts and to still know that we want it to work. We may not know how to get where we want, but we both want to be happy.
We really work hard on fighting fairly, on presenting possible solutions.

And, to be honest, Anil should get most of the credit for that. Lots of times, I just want to sit in the corner and cry. He is rather good at discerning the issues...

But one thing I find always fascinating...is the old saying--we are motivated by fear. Anil has seen several of his friends fail in their relationships and marriages. Anil has been hurt so much. My heart breaks sometimes when I get glimpses of the pain he tries to hide.

And from that fear, he seeks to avoid any potential pitfalls that may cause this. For some reason, that understanding comforted me.

In some ways, I think that is what makes fighting valuable. You scream and yell and cry, until you reveal something about your inner soul...some journey that hurt you, scarred you, made you build some armor...and every now and then, you find that friend, who listens, accepts, and places that bandaid on...

You may never heal that hurt, but I think its the most amazing thing in the world to find a relationship where you can bear your soul...and you still feel loved and accepted...for being who you are...

A made fun of me for being so excited.

I think reality is hitting me. All the pieces coming together....yay!!

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with
your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong

And that you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
with every goodbye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

His sister asked what important details I want...

All, I could think of was Anil. I just want him. Nothing more, nothing less.

Feels strange. I love events and parties, but I cant seem to find the excitement for my wedding.

I just dont care about location, flower petals, invitations.

I want a beautiful lengha. I want to have my fiance dressed in indian garb. I want to walk up and see his eyes. I want to have a nice Indian ceremony. Then, I want to just roll myself into his arms and fly away.

*sigh* I just pray we find a great location soon. Lock that down. Throw in some food. Some musica. And, I am done.

Not going to stress out..not going to stress out...

I laughed, jumped in the air and screamed "About Damn Time".